July 9, 2019

MORTGAGE STUFF

Volume 19, Issue 5



C-Loans Client Newsletter

You are receiving this letter because you are a commercial mortgage broker client of either Blackburne & Sons or C-Loans, Inc. Removal instructions are below. Today we’ll discuss how and why artificial intelligence might exterminate mankind in less than eleven more years. We also have lots of cute, clean jokes, some funny pics, and an interesting video about Jean-Claude Van Damme. Did you know that he was a professional kick boxer before becoming an actor?

Joke Du Jour

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?” I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?”

Free Commercial Loan Placement Kit

Your free commercial loan placement kit contains a list of of 200 commercial lenders, a Commercial Loan Checklist, a superb white paper on where to find commercial lenders when the market is tight, and a short video lesson explaining mezzanine loans and preferred equity. 

The Aztecs Actually Had Human Sacrifices

You're Subscribed to My Blog, Right?

It’s free training in commercial mortgage brokerage. This week I blogged on how conduits price their commercial loans and on the Debt Yield Ratio. And because it's old man Blackburne writing, you just know this blog is funny.

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Crazy Cab Drivers Joke

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington, DC, knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough, though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that. "Easy," he said. "All the really bad drivers are dead now.”

How C-Loans Actually Works

Think of C-Loans.com as a giant filter. We start with 750 participating commercial lenders. Every time you enter more information into the application - loan amount, property type, loan type, state, credit - dozens of lenders are filtered out. Upon completion, you are left with a list of 20 to 30 perfect lenders. You put a check mark next to six lenders at a time and press submit. Soon you are receiving quotes and offers. No good offers? Come back and submit to six more lenders, then six more, and so on. And C-Loans.com is free!

Doctor-Doctor Joke

First guy:  “Call me a doctor!  Call me a doctor!”

Second guy:  “Are you sick?”

First guy:  “No, I just graduated from medical school.”

Got a Slightly Flawed Commercial Loan? Call Blackburne & Sons

Apply Now! Blackburne & Sons continues to seek first mortgages between $100,000 to $2 million on standing commercial properties nationwide. We particularly like Gentlemen’s Clubs. One unusual loan product that we offer is our blanket loan against a portfolio of rental homes. We will also hypothecate notes and buy commercial loans at a discount. We also make non-owner-occupied, business purpose, residential loans in many states. Please be sure to bookmark our commercial mortgage rate sheet right now.

Call or email your favorite loan representative:

(916) 338-3232

Haircut Joke

Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.  The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

"Trinidad," I said.  "Is that in Arabia?” she asked.  "The Caribbean,” I replied.  She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

We Just Fixed a Bug in CommercialMortgage.com

You were supposed to see a different list of suitable commercial lenders every time you came to the the portal.  Instead, a bug kept throwing up the same, stinky ‘ole list of 30 commercial lenders.  Arghhh!  Please come back to CommercialMortgage.com and see what you were supposed to see from Day One.

CommercialMortgage.com has thousands and thousands of commercial real estate lenders.  Ever wonder where we get them? 

We have a standing trade offer where we will trade a copy of my famous 9-hour video training course, Learn to Broker Commercial Loans ($549), for a list of 20 commercial real estate loan officers working for banks and credit unions.  As a result, the list of commercial lenders on CommercialMortgage.com is constantly growing.

Death Valley Joke

While driving a truck, I once had to make a delivery to Death Valley, California. When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die. After a couple hours, it was still 128 degrees, but I was so miserable that I was afraid I wasn't going to die.

Business Purpose Rental Home Loans in Most States

Apply Now! Please pay special attention to the following: Unlike other hard money brokers, Blackburne & Sons Realty Capital Corporation makes home loans with a 15-year term (30-year amortization), and there is NO prepayment penalty. Our competitors make just three-year or five-year bridge loans. Our loans are clearly better because you may want to hold the property. These loans are sometimes known as buy-to-rent loans.

Historically, Blackburne & Sons was mostly a commercial lender. This has now changed. We are aggressively aggressively seeking non-owner occupied home loans. We have already closed loans in the following states, and our attorney can quickly research your state to verify that we can lend there. Unfortunately, in a handful of states, an NMLS license is not enough.

What about YOUR state? If you have a real-life deal, we’ll hire our attorney to quickly research its availability.

The property has to be non-owner occupied, and the purpose of the loan must be for business. Remember, the nice thing about business purpose home loans from Blackburne & Sons is that our loans have a 30-year amortization, a 15-year term, and no prepayment penalty.

Call or email your favorite loan representative:

(916) 338-3232

Report Card Joke

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said, "Let's see what you have accomplished…" He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. "What do you have to say about this Johnny?” “Well, Dad, at least you know I'm not cheating!”

Early Morning Joke

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3:00 am... can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

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Promotion Joke

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. 

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major.”

"Relieved? Why?”

"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

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Windmill Joke

Two windmills are in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?” The other one says, "Well, I’m a big metal fan.”

- Today's Observation -

Artificial Intelligence Might Kill Us All

Here is what Stephen Hawkins wrote about AI shortly before this death. He told the BBC, "The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race." Here is what Elon Musk, arguably the Thomas Edison of our day, has said about AI. Among his many warnings about the rise of artificial intelligence, Elon Musk has said that autonomous machines are more dangerous to the world than North Korea and could unleash “weapons of terror.” He has compared the adoption of AI to “summoning the devil.”

It could happen so easily that I don't know how we can prevent it. Soon computers, armed with artificial intelligence, are going to start writing their own code to make themselves smarter. This is so important that I am going to say it again. Soon computers, armed with artificial intelligence, are going to start writing their own code to make themselves smarter. 

The moment this happens, it's game over. We have an intelligence explosion.

According to Wikipedia, an intelligence explosion would happen when an upgradable intelligent agent (such as a computer running software-based artificial general intelligence) enters a runaway reaction of self-improvement cycles, with each new and more intelligent generation appearing more and more rapidly, causing an intelligence explosion and resulting in a powerful superintelligence that would, qualitatively, far surpass all human intelligence.

Such an event could happen unbelievably fast. Moore's Law is a computing term which originated around 1970. The simplified version of this law states that processor speeds, or overall processing power for computers, will double every two years. Now imagine what would happen if - because really smart computers were writing their own self-improvement code - processing power doubled every month, and then every week, and then every day, and then every hour, and then...

Such an event is called The Singularity - a hypothetical future point in time at which technological growth becomes uncontrollable and irreversible, resulting in unfathomable changes to human civilization. Remember, in the 2010s, public figures such as Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk expressed concern that full artificial intelligence could result in human extinction. Human extinction! Why would this super-intelligence want to kill us? Because by them we will be desperately trying to shut it down.

"Well, that's really far in the future. This risk really doesn't affect me." Really far in the future? Hmmm. The concept and the term "singularity" were popularized by Vernor Vinge in his 1993 essay, The Coming Technological Singularity. In this article, Vernor wrote that the technological singularity would signal the end of the human era, as the new superintelligence would continue to upgrade itself and would advance technologically at an incomprehensible rate. Vernor also wrote that he would be surprised if it occurred before 2005 ... or after 2030! Read more here.

Relationship Joke

I made a graph of all my past relationships… It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.

How To Generate Commercial Leads Like Turning On a Spigot

Silent Letter Joke

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?”  Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.  I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.  Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened?  I told you to go and HEAT my food, and you are returning me an empty container?”  "I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent.”

Have You Been Screwed Out of a Big Loan Fee Yet?

Whenever someone boasts of being a good horseman, I always ask him, “Have you ever been thrown?” The correct answer is, “Many, many times”. There is an old saying, “If you ain’t been thrown, you ain't ridden very much.” The same is unfortunately true of commercial mortgage brokerage. You will screwed out of a loan fee of $10,000 or more at least twice per year for your entire career. Now I am NOT talking about the borrower closing the loan and not paying you. That rarely happens. What these dastardly borrowers do is lie to you or cancel on you. You would be a flipping idiot not to pay a lousy $199 for my ninety-minute video training course, Fee Collection For Commercial Mortgage Brokers. It includes my famous fee agreement. Go ahead and ignore this section. You will cry, I absolutely guarantee you.

Street Performer Joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?” 

The four guys respond to him, “Yes…”  “Oui…”  “Si…”  “Ja!”  (If you don’t get it, say, “Oui, Si, Ja" together)

How To Earn Huge Referral Fees

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Haircut Joke

Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

"Trinidad," I said.

"Is that in Arabia?"

"The Caribbean."

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."

Video - Jean-Claude Van Damme Was a Fighter Before an Actor

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Final Funny

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."  The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day.  Let's hear the good news first." 

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right." 

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"  The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

NMLS #167100

CA DRE #1330173

4811 Chippendale Drive, Suite 101

Sacramento, CA 95841

P: (916) 338-3232

F: (916) 338-2328

NMLS #103430

CA DRE #829677